We're terribly house and garden
by anon-anon-anon
Summary: disclaimer title is a line from Flanders and Swan song Design for living, but it fits well. Potential romance because of general OOCness but attempted humour through and through. Read AND REVIEW
1. Chapter 1

Hiya, I got bored in English and needed a laugh, so I wrote this. Completely separate from my other fanfiction (please read and review I need help) Secret Revenge, and far more light-hearted and OOC. Hope you enjoy. It also gives me a chance to put romance in seeing as the characters are ahem amended ahem anyway.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot – I own nothing, except the plot and the OOCness. :P

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**Fowl Manor**

"Ok, Butler, my mother will be returning in a week. We have 7 days to clear up this mess."

The towering bodyguard snorted, mess was hardly the right description. The experiment into particle rearrangement had not gone quite according to plan. Not Artemis' fault (the postman had arrived at the wrong moment) but now the entire house, well, you could just make out the walls, floors and ceilings – not much else. It was a good thing he had thought to remove all the furniture prior to the "test".

"It's only 4 floors, a basement and an attic as well as the main entrance hall. That's exactly 6 rooms per day. Easy."

Butler snorted again. Artemis may be a good liar but even he couldn't convince a goblin that sorting this "ahem" situation would be easy. "Well we had better get started then. Won't be too bad, I assume _you_ know somewhere we can obtain 50 meter ladders from don't you?"

"Ah yes, the hallway, I had been pondering that."

"Good. Well let you pondering turn into workable ideas and we may bring our chances of success from 1 in a millions to 1 in a thousand." Butler was still convinced that the best thing to would be blow the entire place up and say there had been some extremely angry redevelopers over to pay a call. Unfortunately for him, the prodigy felt a certain attachment to his home, or it may just have been the money needed to buy the explosives necessary for the demolition of such a secure building. Either way, redecoration it was. This was worse than the TV programs.

"I think I may have got it…"

"That is indeed nice to know, care to share it with the class… preferably before Juliet returns with the paint."


	2. Chapter 2

Heya All 

And thank you for the lovely reviews, that was a rather short chapter and I hope this one will be a little better. I still have no plot so at the moment I shall just write and see what happens. This is almost the same as inviting a load of house redevelopers only slightly more interesting and hopfully amusing. It is now summer holidays so I have far more time for these entertaining things. Hope you enjoy.

Pst. Still on the run for character robbery - don't tell them where I am.

xxx

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**Haven West Bank**

Holly had her head in her hands, a paperwork successfully burying her desk, chair, chest of drawers and bed. The fairy herself was sitting in the last free space - the windowsill and seriously contemplating giving up. Calling Sool a pig was an insult, and not the elf. Annoyed was a slight understatement of his reaction to Holly's walking out of the LEP and he had personally seen to it that every possible set of forms that he could find had been sent to her as she tried to set up her own Agency. She had private suspicions that he had made up the vast majority on the spot but that didn't make a difference to the fact that they needed to be completed.

It was hopeless.

The communicator buzzed. Holly thought about ignoring it, searching for it under this mess would not be pleasent, but the noise persisted and her headache was bad enough already. Slowly she opened her eyes and tried to concentrate on the location of the sound. There, she walked over to it...

In the bin, she didn't remember putting anything there. She didn't remember having a bin.

"Hello?" The single word was the most eloquent inquiry she could manage just then.

"Good evening. Holly, if you don't mind me saying, you look awful. When did you last sleep?" Artemis Fowl, tactless as ever.

"Wow thanks. I hadn't banked on being complimented so early today! Never mind about my sleep, what do you want Fowl?"

"_Artemis_ please! And I was going ask for a favour but it seems like your a little busy at the moment."

"I'm Fine! Will everyone stop worrying about me, first Mulch, the Foaly and now even **you**! It's getting beyond a joke. What did you want then mudboy?"

Artemis decided to ignore the insult for the time being Holly clearly wasn't going to co-operate in any way. On the other hand, her help was the only hope he had left, "Let me take you on a tour of my house before I explain the slight difficulty, you may be able to guess."

"I KNOW my way around your house FOWL! You kidnapped me remember!" Holly was almost screaming, everything was getting too much, and taking it out on her friend was making her feel worse.

"Fine then, last time we spoke I thought we were friends but maybe that was just the feelings of relief overwhelming my system, I seem to recall that we had narrowly avoided several forms of destruction. Never mind I shall endeavour to manage alone, forgive me for disturbing you." That would hit hard, Artemis had studied enough psychology to know that. He hung up.

"Artemis wait." Holly heard the connection go "I'm sorry ..."

**Fowl Manor**

Artemis may have hung up, but he hadn't blocked the connection. He sat there watching the beautiful elf, slightly surprised at the sinking feeling in his stomach. She had been busy, far too busy for any normal person and he would have been surprised if she had had a decent nights sleep in the last 3 months. The thing that made him sick was that he had know this, he was a genius and reading people was no chore for him - even if communicating or respecting them was - but he had purposefully added to the pain, a revenge for a pettie offence.

That was what was making him sick.

That, and watching the silent tears fall down her face as she collapsed on the papers covering her bed, shaking uncontrollably. Artemis couldn't really believe that this was the same Holly Short who had faced down a pack of aroused blood-thristy trolls. He couldn't watch this. She had the least right of anyone to be put under so much pressure.

**Haven West Bank**

"Holly! Holly! Listen to me! I need your help. I ... I ... I'm sorry."

Holly sat up in bed. This confession had astounded her enough to alert her. She was over-reacting. Artemis didn't posses the ability to communicate without insult and she knew that. It was just she was so ridiculously tired that she hadn't automatically made allowances for it. And she hadn't exactly appreciated the effort he had made to . In fact she had basically seen his good side and slapped him in the face. She had also admitted Artemis Fowl _had _a good side. What did that boy want anyway?

"I have a proposition for you..."

D'Arvit, some people never change

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Oh slightly grim in places there but I felt like it... please review and I promise that either I shall either make it happier and funnier or change the catorgory. 

ANYWAY please REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW and tell me how much you hate it. Thank you.


	3. Chapter 3

Heya PEOPLE! (I assume:S)

I'm sooooo sorry, I've been on holiday and havent really found time (or will power - shame) to update... but here is a nother chapter, hopefully slightly better than the last.

And thankyou to all my luuuvely reviewers... made me feel so good glows. Anyway, please review again. You all know the delicate state of my ego :P. Seriously please review even if you hate it I want to know!

xxx

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**Room in Fowl Manor**

"No I can give another reason for ordering 60 gallons or emulsion and then… Look shall I do this over the internet? … Yes I am aware that it is early, that is why I tried phoning _you_. … "Well it's a big place and there is a lot to decorate… So that's …yes…yes…yes…yes…yes…yes…yes…yes…yes…yes. … Listen! If you do not get these paints sorted and sent over for 10am sharp I shall have serious words to say to you manager … good … Name of Fowl … huh? I'm a customer; my name is irrelevant until I need to sign something. … Thank you … That's my decision, I do know the manager's phone number … well I suggest you get on with it … yes _now, _Goodbye!"

"Juliet? You finished yet?"

"Oh hi, yes, just … remind me to punch the next rep. I see, you would have thought I was asking him to sign his soul over in blood... hmm I might do that next time."

"Anyway, Artemis wants everyone to meet in the entrance hall at 9.30."

"He didn't say that did he Dom?"

"Well actually it was reconvene but I didn't see much difference."

They laughed as the jogged to the hall arriving, as expected, on the dot of 9.30 to be met by just a few old friends. The laughter that greeted their open mouthed astonishment was enough to get them moving again and they sat down. The chairs had been set out like a conference, trust Artemis, and sitting in them were: Holly, Mulch, Foaly and another elf who Butler vaguely recognised.

Artemis walked down the stairs, dressed for once in a standard suit – his version of work clothes.

"Well now that everyone is here I suppose only one person need's introducing. This is Trouble Kelp, Major in the LEP."

"Ah"

"It's no matter now, we have much work to do an all of you seem to have agreed to help me. My mother will be returning in precisely 7 days… we have that time to uhem "redecorate" Fowl Manor."

The general outcry to this was not particularly encouraging; snorts of laughter, murmurs and a loud whinnie from Foaly who seemed to be struggling to remain on his chair despite the various alterations Artemis had made for his comfort.

"Artemis" Holly spoke up for them all, "We don't really care what you have tried to do here, but how can you even dream of sorting this in a week. And most of us happen to work, they don't give holidays in the LEP and I don't have enough money to give myself holidays."

"I've sorted all that… I just have this problem and it needs dealing with or I loose everything I've ever worked for … and my parent's trust."

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Ahh well the last bit wasn't as good... REVIEW!

xxx


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